Hilton Head Island

I have had my 1st day of vacation. South Carolina is so pretty with the Spanish Moss. If only I could have my family, boyfriend, and friends here, than I could definitely be able to live here. Everyone is so friendly, it's almost weird. In Southern California if some stranger was to walk up to you and talk to you like these people do, the chances of them being mental are very possible. Here it is just southern hospitality, just normal way of life; courteous and friendly.

So good news is we are basically "chasing" the hurricane Irene because when we got here, there were signs that it had been raining, but it had stopped. We had dinner at Smoke house BBQ and it was yummy!! Then we tried to get some groceries because a lot of stores close down at around 9 or 10. We went back to the condo for the night.

Today we ate breakfast at stacks pancake house, I got Georgia peach crepes and those were pretty good; then got the groceries, dropped them off at the condo, I got in my bathing suit, and went to the beach. It's walking distance; about 3 minuets. They have a little shopping area right next to the beach, so we shopped there for awhile. I got Italian ice, flavor peach and mango. My parents had Custard ice cream. It's like whipped cream, but as an ice cream. So good! I have to be careful though, I only have $20 to spend. Maybe I can ask for allowance early. Then we went back to the condo to wait on my brother and his soon to be wife to fly in. As we were wating, I went down to the pool. It was funny, the bartender down there (they have a little snack shack down there next to the pool) was checking me out. So after i ws done swimming i went down there to talk to the guy. He looks in his early 20's (i know waay to old and I have a boyfriend). We talked for awhile and he was friendly. He asked my age after about a half an hour and I told him my age (15). If I was 21 or over he would have bought me a drink... darn haha. Don't woory all we did was talk. I am not a cheater! my brother and his girlfriend joined us for dinner; pizza at new york pizza joint. That was good. I had white pizza; all kinds of wonderful cheese.

Tomorrow the plan is to drive around and show my grandma and brother and his girlfriend around the area. My dad asked if i wanted to go. I really don't want to, but I don't know what I am allowed to do when their gone. So we will see how much freedom I am allowed here.

You are all caught up now!

Sincerely,

Shelly <3

Apathy for Apologies

Well before My family and I went out to dinner, my dad in a way apologized to me. He first started off saying that there were things that he should have handled differently and there were things that I should have handled differently (not completely taking responsibility, but alright that's a start). Then he said that the last thing that was said was he asked if I still hated him and I said I don't know. I spent the weekend at my grandparents and then came back. He said that he gave me my space to think about it and then let him know. So he had been waiting on me to confront him (childish). So I then said, I do not hate you. You are my dad. I love you. I do hate the way you acted, but I do not hate you. He then said well I would have preferred if you confronted me and told me sooner. I said well I'm telling you now. So are we ok now? He said no. He said that things are said for a reason no matter what emotion you have. I then said ok well using your logic, when you called me a bitch and an ass, you meant it. he said I meant it by your actions. We then discussed this and he then said that he is truly sorry that I thought that he was labeling me as that. He said that my actions made me seem like a spoiled little brat who gets in hissy fits if she doesn't get what she wants.... Ouch! seriously, nice that he wanted to share his feelings, but there are opinions that parents should just leave unsaid. He did not apologize for slapping me. That was the only thing he apologized for, was calling me those things. We are better now. I think he did that because my grandma is coming over today and he wanted to make sure there wouldn't be tension with her around. At least we are better and on speaking terms. I am still not comfortable around him. Things are looking up a bit.

I have school registration today. I hope my school picture will look good. My boyfriend said who cares, it's a "1" by "1" picture with 1,000 other pictures. Well I do. I want my kids to look at my school pictures one day. At least have them know I was one cool kid growing up.

Sincerley,

Shelly <3

My Life with my Friends

Alright, well I have talked about my boyfriend and family (mom, dad, grandma... there is more I guess I could type about my brother, and other close relatives), but I haven't talked about my friends. So here is a post that will be all about them.I like to have a small group of close buds rather than a lot of not too closed friends.

My best friend is very talkative and is energetic. I can always trust though for her to listen if I have a problem and to keep her mouth shut about my secrets. She knows more than my parents do. Example- she knew about my boyfriends drug issue before my parents and his parents did, and that I'm not a virgin, and about my life with my parents. I love that I can tell her everything that is going on. Nothing is too personal for her to not know and she doesn't judge me. She knows I'm not a swanky whore who has sex with any guy. She also comes to me for advice and if she has a problem. She currently is in a relationship with my guy friend and no I do not mind and it's not awkward.

One of my best guy friends had just moved to Kentucky a month ago. It was so sad. I was the last of his friends that he hung out with before he had to leave. I miss him so much. I've known and have been friends with him since the beginning of seventh grade. I really should give him a call.

Also one of my friends, she is so fun to be around. I do worry about her though. She is waaay into a goth look and it's a little creepy, but I do accept her for who she is. It's a little weird that her brother is my boyfriend, but surprisingly it's worked out. Yes, I did ask her if it was ok if it was ok if i said yes to being his girlfriend. She was 100% fine with it. Yes, it was awkward at first, but it's all better now.

I have one other friend who is super close to be bestie. I just hope that I won't be replaced, since they spent a lot of time over the summer. I'm not jealous though, I mean I have been busy over my summer with volleyball summer camp and teachers aid for the summer school enrichment program for elementary school kids. She is really nice though, and for people who don't know her, she comes off as a bit strange.

One last friend I will share with you, is my best friend's boyfriend. He is also one of my best guy friends. If i have a question involving guys, I can go to him, no matter how embarrassing. He always has his phone on him, so I can text or call him whenever.

That is all of my close friends. I have many other friends, but we don't talk a whole lot outside of school.

Sincerely,

Shelly

Slipping on the Mask

Well in preparation for vacation, we are cleaning the whole house today and also doing laundry. Grandma is coming over from Hemet tomorrow, so that way the next day we can leave early in the morning for our flight. We will come home to a nice clean house because mom is a clean freak.

I said hi to my dad this morning, as he was hosing the backyard. He was right next to the dinning room and the sliding door was open. He did not respond, but continued to water the yard. Mom says he didn't hear me and I think that is bogus. I think he heard me, but he is just being a turd about it. O well, I have to act normal so to my family I will not let them know that this is bothering me. I can not let it affect my actions. It sucks having to plaster a smile on your face, this is an art I've had to master for a very long time. Sometimes my mask falls and that would explain the incident where dad opened the door and said to get out and the time I got slapped. When my mask falls, so does the peace in the family. Be myself? well go preach it to someone else. It's like in the song "reflection" from Mulain, my dad will not except who I am and what I feel and what I think. At least I've only got three years of this and then, Cya bye. I'm out to find where people actually care about my opinion.

I ended up taking care of the trash, clean the bathroom and bedroom, dusted, and vacummed the whole up stairs. I'll admit it wasn't that much. Next stop is ferret litter. Also, he made a mess in his cage; flung food everywhere and I just cleaned his whole cage yesterday. He is a pig. Sorry males, but most of you are. My dad came down the stairs as I was going up, we exchanged "hi" looking at each other, but no words whats so ever. What a jack a_ _ he is being, but there is nothing I can do about him.

Ok funny story time...
Today we had a cable guy come in to fix our tv. He was a little late because of traffic. When he got here, he asked if he could use the restroom. After he was done with his business, he does what he needed to do at the tv and then asks if he can go outside and look at the cables out there. He ends up playing ball with my dog who is outside. Then comes back in does some things. Then says "ok I think I'm done here". Three minuets later he comes back to ask if he could use the microwave to heat up his lunch. THE CABLE GUY WHO WON'T LEAVE!!! Atleast the tv is fixed though

~Response for the comments~

To- ima girl ("Don't worry about the comments being lost, you will get better, after all you are new to blogging.btw that was a nice thing to save our comments in this post :) You are good at putting your thoughts down and this blog can help a lot of people ♥" on Life Rolls on)

Thank you for your encouragement. And yes I did just join a week ago and am learning the new gizmo's and gadgets that are on this site. I will always save comments on my posts. I find that it makes the followers feel that I am reading what they have to say because they can see that I am responding back to them and that it will stay on there forever and ever. Also makes them realize a little bit more that I am not just words on your computer screen. I do exist and I am human. So anytime I get a comment, I will always publish and respond on the next post (as long as the comment is appropriate). Lastly, thank you. I am happy to hear that you are enjoying my thoughts and that you find them good. I do hope that this blog will help people. That would be nice.

Well TTFN (ta-ta for now). I am sure I will post more about the day as my day goes on, but for this morning... I have nothing more to add.

Sincerely your blogger,

Shelly

Life rolls on

YAY!!! I have seven followers and five comments :D yes, I know that isn't very much, but that's ok. It's so weird having an audience now. Now I am reminded that much more that what I write is seen. It feels kind of powerful actually. So last night my little ferret was having tummy issues, so I stayed up till 3 in the morning holding him. Mom woke me up at 9, so I've had 6 hours of sleep and I need more to function. He's fine now, but I'd still like to take him to the vet. The problem is, mom won't let me. She doesn't even have him going for a yearly check up like the previous ferret (by the way he passed away when I was 10. R.I.P little guy). So I'm a little mad about that.

 I have registration for school on Thursday, so I'm hoping my skin will streer clear of break outs. Then the next day I am leaving for South Carolina for vacation. I will try to keep you all posted while I'm there. I come back on the second of September.

Today my dad and I exchanged all of one word... "hi". and that was tonight. Well things couldn't get anymore awkward. I really feel like I lost a father, but o well. At least he doesn't ignore me. Well he does in a way. Basically he's being childish still. He's probably upset and pout about all of this, but I did what I was told. I acted the way I normally would. This is going to be interesting with being on vacation. Not only is it going to be my parents and I, but also my grandma (Dad's mom), and my brother and his fiance. So the more the people the more of a drama show. We'll see how it goes, but over all I am excited. Mom says that we are going to try to go horse back riding, paddle boarding, para sailing, and much more.... I just seemed like a commercial right then.

Speaking of commercials, our tv has been pixelated and cutting out sound. We had a cable guy come out today and get us a new cable box; well that didn't fix it. Next stop, checking the tv for problems. Mom is pissed. She's also mad at sprint cell service because we have had a contract with unlimited picture mail, yet we can not get picture mail because it goes through the Internet. This in which we do not have. We can not change our plan because I had to get a new phone in January since my other one decided all of a sudden to break (no! I did not abuse it). The little part on the phone that you can hear the other person talk stopped working. So we have to wait until January of 2013 to get another plan. what I find more and more is that electronics do not help the parents "fuse" in the way of temper. So I'm surprised that the parents are being less strict with every generation. I would think that it would be just the opposite. There is more every generation for a parent to get their tidy Whiteies in a knot about.

Aww it's so sweet; my boyfriend called me just to say goodnight. I would have talked to him longer, but I'm not allowed to answer the phone after 10pm. It's nice to know that someone has me in mind and admires me with huge compation. I may not understand what he sees in me, but whatever it is, I hope he never stopps seeing it.

Also I would like to respond to the comments that my lovely "fans"... he he more like minions. KIDDING! (or am I) have wrote to me. I just want to say thank you. I got SO happy when I saw that you lovely people have taken time out of your lovely little lives to look at my postings (at this time I wonder if you have lives or if you just look at blogs all day :) nah I know you have lives)


To- Zombie ("As a parent, I think its hard sometimes to admit to our children when we are wrong. <3 It really isnt an excuse, but now that Im a mother, I see how difficult it is." on Rebel Without a Clue)

Yes I do realize that it is hard. It is human nature regardless of being a parent or not ,that it is difficult to admit being wrong. I do understand where you are coming from. You want respect out of your children and when you say that yes, you were wrong, you don't want to lose that and also lose the image that they of you. Children see what you do and they definitely look up to you. When you have a slip in parenthood and make the same mistake several times, at the worst times of it, they see it and make a note of it in their minds that this is the way to act. I know no one is perfect, so no one is the perfect parents, just keep in mind that the things that you do on a daily basis, your children will see and without thinking exactly, make a note of it and most likely do it themselves. Which might get you upset and you will probably forget that you did the same thing.
Example- You do something wrong and your child knows that you did, yet you do not take the responsibility for your actions. And lets say you do this a lot and not just once. when they do something wrong they will probably think "well my parent did not when they did something wrong, so I guess why should I".
It is a fine line between this and also being higher in power since you are an adult and they are your child. but just know that when you do not say "What I did was wrong", they look to you as an example and if you do not say that, that was not an example that you should follow, they might end up copying it and when you get mad at them for it, they will be a little confused as to why what they did was wrong when they see you do it a lot.
Parenting is hard, I understand. Just stay Strong and I am sure your child/children will flourish.


To- Goldenmist ("That's sweet. It's good you found someone that u hav such strong feelings 4." on my life with my boyfriend)

Thank you very much. Yes, I do have strong feelings for him. I do not know what we are going to do when he graduates high school after this coming school year, but we will figure something out. I will let you know more little stories about him as time progresses.


To- Coloradocasters ("Hopefuklly this will work itself out in time. Stumbled across your blog via blogger cafe and now following. Feel free to stop by m boring fishing blog if you get really bored." on Rebel Without a Clue)

Thank you, I hope so to. What does not kill you makes you stronger. Also, don't think of your blog as boring, that will not help yourself or your blog at all. I am not into fishing myself, but I know my boyfriend is. He was the one who actually taught me to fish for my first time. I will check out your blog, no worries. Also thank you for stopping by on my blog and following me. I hope you find my blog entertaining and insightful. I am sure that when life moves on and I do not have this "dark cloud" over my head with the family, that my blog will also lighten up and be more enjoyable, so stick around. My blog will change moods when I do. And with school starting, this blog should be interesting ha ha.


To- ima girl ("I know what it is like to want to be perfect. You are doing good having a blog.It helps to write about things that you went through, its like a release. I also know what it was like to be abused even though mine was different and for different reasons.I am in a girls home now and a ward of the state. Don't feel sorry for me because I now have a chance to grow up the right way and am kept safe. Anyways just saying hello (: on Hi i highly doubt anyone will be reading my blog... but here goes)

Hi back to you. I am sure you are tired of people giving you pity, and me too. I do not have it as bad as you, but if I told my friends about things in my life, well basically attention is not what I am searching for. We could all learn a few things from you about how to stay hopeful in something like this. I am glad that you find your situation happy, rather than dwelling on the past like people would think of you to do and for that I applaud. I do not seek for perfection, but more of acceptance for who I am and have people who are close to me to not wish for who I am not. My opinion is why search and want perfection when it does not exist, but more of a figment of imagination. Really what is perfect? The reason I do not search and try to be it is because I will never be happy if I keep trying. I used to though, strive to keep up with what my father wants me to be. I stopped trying to though because his standards of a daughter are too high to ever be met by anyone. I almost pity him myself. For he will never be in full happiness.

To- Micheal Westside ("You know what? I'm going to follow you." on Rebel Without a Clue)

Great!! I am glad you can join us on the adventure into my life. I hope you enjoy what I have to offer :) I like the way you are for sure wanting to join me by following. I hope you read on and find what I have to say inspiring and helpful.

Continue to blossom my dearly beloved followers. No matter how old we are, we still have a lot to learn about life and I hope you learn from my mistakes. Take what you can out of my blabbering posts and please share with friends and family (since this blog is a little personal to share with my own friends and family). Take care and until then goodnight and goodbye. I will try to post again tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Shelly <3

P.S- sorry to the people who commented on my blog. I deleted them from my published list, thinking that they would still show up on my blog. I promise I will not do that again. So they will be up there forever and ever. :P sorry about that

Rebel Without a Clue

Well I am back home from my grnadparents'. Life is a bit strange and I don't know what to think about this anymore. My parents picked me up and we went to get pedicures (yes my dad went with mom and I to just get his feet rubbed, and yes men actually do that. Dad's first time though). I said hello to him as I got in the car and he didn't leave me hanging. He said hi back, but he didn't say anything to me after that. Actually not really much at all today, only when I spoke to him, but that was it.

Mom says he is still going on the assumption that "I hate him". My opinion is that he needs to stop acting childish and get on his big boxers (or briefs). It's not like I am fighting back, but he seems to be fighting for mom's attention. I really don't know who is the child though; me or him? I don't think he will ever apologize for what he did. I almost cried last night as I tried to eat my hamburger, my lip hurt so bad. At least today it didn't sting so much. Call me a wuss, but he is a big man compared to me and he really did try to hurt me. Well just to shut me up, but still. I guess he doesn't want me to forgive him... How can you forgive what has not been apologized for, not saying that I would forgive him; at least not right now. Who knows when I could forgive him. I am told just to act normal and not let him affect me and my thoughts, yet I feel the "committee" in my head thinking about it; just going in circles about it. I try not to let it get to me, yet it feels like I lost a father. It hurts even more that he is still alive (not that I wish him dead) and that he chooses to "abandon" me. I don't understand it; heck, I have yet to understand him and I have known him for 13 years. I do feel like I do not have a father anymore. My mom is the only one out of the two who will actually truly talk to me. I'll admit, yes it hurts. It's not right, yet what am I to do? I am a child and they are my parents with the control; not me.

Sincerely,

Shelly <3

My cute pedicure :D but they charged ALOT :P o well!

My life with my boyfriend

Well in a previous post, I briefly talked about my boyfriend. Well he asked me to be his girlfriend on February the 14th, valentine's day. Gesh, it was a complete and total hallmark moment. I was coming out of my 0 period class and there he was waiting for me with lovely red tulips. I'm glad that I liked him because that would have been really a terrible guilty moment to say that I wasn't interested. It was so cute; a few days before he asked me what flower was my favorite. So obvious, but really adorable.

Well then three months after he trusted me enough to tell me something... Something that was huge. He smokes marijuana (well now I can say that he did). It took me three months to get the courage to tell his parents, then I told my own. I did what I thought was right at the time, when really I should have told my parents first, but no one is being picky about that. I expected him to be furious with me, when really he called me after I told his parents. He said that he was not mad at me, for I did the right thing.

 We went on break the next day, well I was the one to say that we were until he proved to be that he was for sure quiting. He said that he didn't know if he would call me while we were on break, but he called me everyday while we were on break. Sometimes, he called with nothing to say... yet he couldn't stand not at least hearing me. I couldn't stand to be without him either. I guess that's why I in a matter of one week, we got back together. It has been a month now since he's last had it. Not very long, I know, but it is not the length, it is the opportunities he's had to do it. He's had several and he has warded of the temptation. I am proud of him for quiting. He says that if it means loosing me, it was without a doubt not worth it. I trust that he will tell me though if he does do it again and not hide it because he knows that if I know he has done it again, I am gone.

I will say outright, I love him. Find me a fool, another one of those teenagers that think they know what love is, but yes I love him. With every other guy i felt a little bit of doubt in the back of my mind, yet i knew it was there... I just ignored it. This time I don't; not even a little. I know that it isn't about looks, well I'm not trying to be mean, but I've had several guys hit on me... if it was about looks, there are some guys that are... better looking. but overall? not even close to him. I am not saying he is ugly. Not in the least. I do want to marry him someday. I guess the only feeling of sort of doubt I have is hoping that he feels the same. I hope he doesn't have a little doubt in the back of his mind. I love him and care about him very much to the point where i sacrificed possibly losing our relationship for his safety. Even though I knew that if I wasn't going to be with him, it would hurt more than anything else. He means so much to me. I feel that when he is there, I am a better person. He makes me happy. His smile is more than priceless. There are the simple things that I notice and there are just small things that are so important. His eyes are, well they are breathtaking. Piercing light icy blue eyes, yet they also look so warm with his presents. He can make me laugh even if life itself feels upside down. He makes me feel safe and loved. I know he is not like my father and that he will treat me right. Even just typing all of this out, gives me the warm fuzzy feeling and I know it is love, I just know.

The Ways of LIfe

Last night I stayed up till 4am. I just could not sleep. My life is changing, for the better is what I've been told. My mom is acting diffrently. She is standing up for herself and me against dad. Dad will not be able to control us the way he used to; infact not at all really. I hope that I will be able to change as well. I've been told not to appoligize to my dad for yelling at him or saying "I hate you", but to instead wait for him to appoligize first and then if I want to say sorry for my part. He should say sorry for things getting out of hand, I mean my safety was in danger. Also, for slapping me. My lip STILL stings when i eat, drink, or talk... basicly if I move them. It just feels like a canker sore now, but sometimes it doesnt just hurt, but really has a stinging sensation. I am afraid that  things will get out of hand, yet again and I will be hit and not slapped the next time. Atleast this time if it does, I have mom to protect me. I have not felt safe for 13 years. It is strange to all of assuden feel safe now.

I'm still at my grandparents and will be staying here for untill monday. Then I will be brought back to the crazy nut house.

My friend's mom passed away 3 years ago, as of yesterday. I wrote on her fb wall, my own words. I felt them to be wise so I will share them on this blog.

"There are things if life that can not be explained, as only by an accident. Perhaps it was the way of life and this was one of those things that shapes who you are today. I am sorry for your loss, but it is of that loss that makes you the way you are and I wouldn't ask for you to be anyother way."
-Shelly

Maybe the things that have happened in my life were not the best. I've grown up having to be a grown-up. Never really got to be a child. Yet I am told that I am a really good person, so perhaps my parents didn't screw up that much. Yes, I do think about others too much. If you were to tell me to do something for myself that will make me happy.... I would look at you in shock. Those are things that I will fix. I still have plenty of years to make myself a better person. So I start now, so in the end I will have known that I have succeeded.

Sincierly,

Shelly

Pride of the Heart

I had forgot to mention that yesterday, what went on. I mainly talked about the day before. So yesterday was accward for me to talk to my dad and when I did, he would respond, but not the words that were being said, instead it was the mannor inwhich it was said to me, that gave me the feeling that he still wasn't willing to talk to me, even if it was just small talk. I stayed away from being in my room, since he got mad at me the day before for that. I stayed out, swam in the pool and sat around, helping my mom when nessisary. My mom told me later that day to go with her to run erronds. We went to the mall to shop for a new bathingsuit for her since we are going on vacation on the 26th, then target, and lastly to get an oil change in the car. It was nice to get out of the house and not see dad be grumpy. While we were out, he went to work on the car. Yet when we got back, he was already home.

 I had asked my mom if I could go to the conncert at the park and she said ok. So we had dinner first. My dad was up stairs in the office and like always my mom yelled loud and clear the dinner ws ready. Dad said nothing, but we ate anyways. We figured he was too stuburn and mad to come down and eat with his family. As mom and I pumped the tires for my bike, my dad opens the door to the garage and looks at my mom (you could tell he was pissed). My mom just simply looked at him and said "what?", instead of a responce, he just rolled his eyes and slammed the door. As I was about to ride off, I heard him yell at my mom, saying that he did not heard her call dinner. I felt terrible for leaving because I then would not be there to protect her. All i could think about was, "what if he hits her?". I went anyways, yet I was worried most of the time.

When i got back, my dad was giving me and her trhe cold shoulder, yet she still tried to make him happy. She shouldn't feel the need to have to go pleasing him when he treats her that way.

Today, my mom woke me up and told me to walk the dog and get ready to leave at 10:30. She wanted me to go with her to costco with her and grandma. This was diffrent; typically she  Would just go with my grandma and i would stay at home. I am not dumb, I knew this was about dad, but how this was going to help, i was not sure. As I walked the dog, I called my grandma asking if she had any insight on what was going on. She told me that things were going to be diffrent with mom, and it will make dad upset, but it is for the best and it will eventually make life at hom easier. She then told me that my mom was trying to proctect me from my father for awhile, just untill he cools down.

After we went to Mashalls then Cosco, grandma dropped my mom and I off. We would then pick her up in about an hour to go to Eddie Bower. I was told to have my bags packed by the time to leave to pick grandma up. I am staying at my grandparents for this weekend. Maybe then my parents can straighten things out, yet I am worried since i will not be there to protect my mother. I have protected her for 13 years and i understand that it is changing now. All the same I do not like it; it has been my role for years to be the "parent". (so you can see why I got pissed two days ago when my dad says I don't contribute to the family... when really he is blinded by ignorance.

I found this saved on microsoft word. It was saved in December, yet I do not remember typing it, but i know I did most likely type it myself; probabily something that I had to do for my language arts class.

Pride of the Heart by Shelly

Pride of the heart

Life takes all

Death takes all

Things of the wild

Wild side

Souls rest in uproar

Window to souls

Eyes of the sailor

Sailed into the blue

I do not know the meaning of this, but let me know your interpritation of this peom.

Once again.... sincerely,

Shelly

Hi, I highly doubt anyone will be reading my blog, but lets give it a shot

I am sure everyone has something better to do than read a 15 year old girl's blog, yet I am not typing for anyone to see it (they can if they want to, I don’t mind), but it is more for myself; To type out what is bothering me and perhaps there is someone out there who will listen (well really read).

Well to start off, I guess you should know a little bit about myself. I am 15 and am going to be a sophomore in High school. I live in California with my parents, two dogs, and a ferret. My brother who is about to get marries in November has long since moved away. I was adopted when I was two and had ever since been a part of the family. I am not the best at writing; I am dyslexic; so there will be spelling and grammar errors in this, so if you are a perfectionist, you may hate me. My main thing i am going to talk about is my life with my family. Maybe as a parent you will see things from my point of view and perhaps understand things about your child that you have never understood before, or maybe you are a teenager and can relate. I personally do not know of any other teenager goes through the things that i have gone through and perhaps that is why I am making this blog; to see if I am not alone.

My family has been effected my alcohol. On my mom's side, my grandpa drinks and is an alcoholic. On my dad's side my great grandfather was also an alcoholic and my uncle was a big time drug abuser. He died in about 2001, but my parents did not want me to see him when he was still alive. So both sides have been affected by it. No one realizes that family's that have been affected, weather they drink or not they can and probably have the alcoholic disease.

There are two types of it that I have seen. One type, the person can manipulate other's words and twist them around, they like to put the blame and spotlight on others, but themselves. They also like to be very well in control and have everything be about them unless they do something wrong and will make it all about the other person. The second type is the non-dominant one. They tend to loose themselves, everything becomes all about the other person. "Oh, I hope I can make this person happy so that way I can be happy".

This is what my grandma tells me (the one with the alcoholic husband). She has been going to Alanon for help in dealing with it. She tells me these things. My dad does act like the first one, while my mom the second. I wonder if this isn't about the alcohol and drugs in my family or if every family is like this.

I got this from a website- http://allpsych.com/journal/alcoholism.html

"Parental alcoholism also has severe effects on normal children of alcoholics. Many of these children have common symptoms such as low self-esteem, loneliness, guilt, feelings of helplessness, fears of abandonment, and chronic depression (Berger, 1993). Children of alcoholics (COAs) may feel responsible for the problems of the alcoholic and may think they created the problem. COAs often experience high levels of tension and stress. Young children of alcoholics may have frequent nightmares, bed wetting, and crying. They also may not have friends and may be afraid to go to school. Older children of alcoholics may show such depressive symptoms as obsessive perfectionism, hoarding, staying by themselves, or being excessively self-conscious. Studies have shown that because children of alcoholics feel that they are different from other people, they develop a poor self-image, in which they closely resemble their alcoholic parents (Silverstein, 1990, p.75). Also, teenage children of alcoholics may develop phobias."

And I have highlighted what I have felt in my childhood. Perhaps that what my grandma says is true. I do sometimes forget to think about myself and people have told me that I need to stop worrying about other people and start to stand up for myself. Yet I am not allowed to stand up for myself at home, why should school be any different? For this is what I do not understand. I used to feel alone and helpless, yes I have my grandma to talk to, but she couldn’t do much. She couldn’t say anything to my parents otherwise they could take me away from them. Also for his job he is a cop, who has to be assertive and in control and also the dominate one. Yet it is hard to separate being a dad and being that way for work.
My dad would yell at me about two times a week. Yet, I tried to be the best daughter I could be. I never tried to do anything wrong, it just seemed that I could never do anything right, and could never please and have my father think of me as at least descent. My mom was too afraid to stand up for me and when she did, I could hear them fight from their bedroom while I was in mine. I felt terrible and guilty for the fact that I did not involve her, yet she was getting yelled at by dad because she was standing up for me. Once I tried to tell her about dad and she said "I do not want to hear it. I am done with the two of you fighting and I will not be in the middle of it". I felt guilty that I made her feel like that, so I bottled it up. I didn't tell her what it was doing to me. His yelling at me made me feel terrible about myself because I never could please him, no matter how hard I tried. I ended up staying in my room, cutting myself and listening to music.
One night my mom got so furious at me because I refused to tell her why I was so depressed. She started yelling at me to tell her. I still didn't. Dad ended up getting in the middle of it when she yelled at me "you’re acting like a bitch". I was upset and I yelled "sometimes I don’t want to live here anymore". That got my dad mad at me because he thought that I did not appreciate everything that I have. He opened the door and said “then pack your suitcase and get out of my house”. I was so upset I ran upstairs to call my grandma. I could tell then, that it was getting really ugly and I needed to tell her because i was so scared. I had no intent of running away, I just needed to call her and ask her what to do. My dad came up stairs and saw that I had the phone in my hand that was still ringing. He took away my phone and said "and you’re not running away to grandma's either" He then repeatedly asked me "why do you not want to live here anymore". I started to hypervenalate, so I couldn't talk. He repeated the question, yelling at my face. As you know that did not help my breathing and so therefore I was not able to answer. He then put both hands on the sides of my head so I had to look at him and he asked again, when I did not answer, he took my and threw me on my bed and was two inches from my face. By then my mom had come upstairs and had saw this. She yelled at him "*his name* stop!" (I'm sorry; I will not give out names). He stared at me for a few seconds and then left, but not without kicking and breaking my wicker trash basket. My mom grabbed me a small brown bag to get my breathing back to normal so that way I could talk. I told her everything from me cutting myself to the way I was treated. We then decided it was time for a family councilor.
We were in counseling for about a year. My dad did not come to many sessions and when he did, he would argue with the therapist. He was not willing to change, even if it was to help his daughter and wife. Yet, things were getting better. My dad did not yell at me as much. It started to slow to a once a month. Our communication was better; over all it was really good. I started to have trust in them again and trusted them with being able to not be defensive if I told them how I felt. Before if I did, I was told I was a drama queen and I would be interrupted because he wouldn't agree with it. I was not able to speak up. So since everything was going well, we stopped counseling
Last month my dad went on sick time for his job. His back and his knee were killing him (major injuries he has had and were getting the best of him). And in September he will be officially retired. We had three dogs, but the work dog is too young to retire, so we have to give him to the man who will take my dad's place in work. So he is at home a lot of the time...... See how this becomes an issue????
At the beginning of this month, I had a boyfriend who did pot. He had told me two months earlier to this that he was doing it at that time for two months i had been contemplating on whether I should say something. I ended up telling his parents and then I told my own (now I do realize that I should have told my parents first, but I did at the time I thought was right). It was a hard thing to do. I mean, he was the first person that I had ever had sex with. He surprisingly was not mad at me for telling. He knew I had done the right thing, so he wasn’t going to be mad at me for that. Yet, he did not trust me anymore about him and drugs. He promised not to do them again (not like he has a choice with his parents knowing now anyway). He said if it would mean losing me, he would not. He has kept that promise for awhile now, so yes we are back together, but if he does do it again, he knows for sure that I will leave. I warned him.
Also at the beginning of this month, my dad congratulated me on being more grown up and telling them about it. Yet after that, he started not to talk to me, only if i had done something wrong. Like if I forgot to rinse a dish. He would jump all over me for that, yet he wouldn’t talk to me; wouldn’t say good morning or anything. And what was strange is that right after he got mad at me he would acknowledge the dog and be all sweet and kind to her, yet not me. and stranger yet, after he would get mad, a little time would pass and he would ask as though he wasn’t mad at me at all. There was one incident where mom and dad took me to play volleyball, just to practice and my dad told me to bend my knees as I served. So I did, yet he told me (in a harsher tone) to bend my knees; so I was trying to explain to him that I was. Well in his mind apparently I was giving attitude, yet I wasn’t trying to at all. I was trying to show him that I was. But anyway he stormed off and watched mom help me practice while he walked around the park. As time grew by I realized that I did not make the volleyball team and this was still during the time that me and my boyfriend were not back together, so I had a lot of negative things going on, so I did not need dad to add on top of it. I decided to not get involved with him, only when he decided to play nice. Yet when he would get mad, I would not engage in that game and fight with him. He still would ignore me, unless I did something not perfect. So I decided not to talk to him still. This went on until yesterday.
I was in my room and he opened the door and started yelling at me, that I was treating him like crap and don't respect him. He also had the indecency of calling his daughter a bitch and an ass (sorry but that is what he said, I will only cuss if that is what was said). I started to get fed up with his negative behavior and I started yelling at him. He then leaves my room for awhile, and two minutes later yells at me to come down stairs (by the way, mom is upstairs in the office while he is in my room yelling and the rooms are right next to each other and is still up there during this). He still yells at me saying how since I started to talk back to him while he was trying to help me in volleyball, he has treated me the same way I have been treating him. We end up screaming at each other because I wanted myself to be heard and whenever I try either he’s happy or not, it doesn't matter. He doesn't want to listen to my feelings. And as I try to be heard, He screams at me to shut up. He then gets up from his chair and slaps me and then sits back down and yells at me his side. Enough to where in a matter of a few minutes and seconds, my lip starts to swell. I reached for my lip because it tasted like blood. Yes, it was bleeding. He yelled at me "damn right I slapped you". A few seconds of him yelling, my mom comes down stairs and says "stop yelling both of you!!! I have been walking on egg shells the past few weeks" and my dad yells back as they are face to face "I don’t care that you have been walking on egg shells". They started yelling and by then I felt that it was my entire fault that they were fighting. I started to cry and yell "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry'. My dad said not everything is about you.... I forget exactly what was said with this sentence, yet I do remember hearing "this little bitch" as he pointed at me. After mom got fed up with dad, she sat on the coach and watched me and dad fight. I tried to say my feelings and even when he finally gave me a chance to speak, he would interrupt and say, "Bullshit" and even say that I was being dramatic. But this was how I, me, myself felt. He didn't give a rip about my opinion and about what I had to say, even when he let me speak, he would interrupt and.... just it pisses me off. I finally got so pissed to the point where I said "I hate you. I’m done". He said "you better watch what you say. You be careful" and I said "oh I will". I went upstairs to my room and I heard him say, so she hates me well I can show her hell then. He got up stairs and said to vacuum the upstairs, then dust, then vacuum the downstairs, and lastly clean the bathroom. In-between each he would ask "do you hate me less, more, or the same". I knew he just wanted me give up, but I said the same. Each. And. Every. Time. After I was done and there was nothing more to do, he let me eat and then go find him. Mind you that he hit me at around 2:30pm and it was 4 or 4:30pm at around this time. I had something quick to eat and then went to find him. We had a good chat, with communication skills and everything. Yet he still said that I treated him like shit and that he wasn't going to treat me like a little princess. That is not the way life works. He said that he was mad that I spend so much time in my room (well I’d be glad to come down, yet every time i do I get told that I'm doing something wrong). He said that I was not a contributing member of the family. After that chat he said that I was free to go to my room.

later that night, I asked my mom if I should put ice on my lip (by then the swelling had gone down a lot, but the colors of red and blackish purple are still there, but on the inside). She asked me what I meant, I told her that dad slapped me; I was surprised she didn't know, but at least she knows now. She apologized and said that I did not deserve that, and that things got out of hand. I told her not to apologize and that it wasn’t her actions that did that to me, I also apologized saying that she should not have had to witness that.

I called my grandma and we talked. She was going to talk to my mom in the morning and tell her that her main job is to protect me and that we should leave if it gets out of hand again, for my safety and hers. She talked to my mom like she said she would. Mom agreed that yes, she needed to do that and will in the future and that we will try a different councilor. My grandma had also said that there is a high chance that my parents could loose custody over me because of the fact that he slapped me (I have proof since I took a picture of my lip) and then just to prove that he verbally abuses me (which he does). That thought scares me. I have already lost a family once and then I was blessed to be adopted, I don't want this one to fall apart from me as well.
Now you are caught up in my life. There are still things in the future to say...... Like about letting Rocky (our work dog) go in a few days, the work situation, like is my mom going to go off to a part time job or is dad going to work again, and also things about my boyfriend and how that turns out, and just many things. So I just hope that this wasn't too long for one post and that I didn't bore anyone to death. I am new to this so I do not know if you can comment on this or not, if you can't I'll be sure to set up an email so anyone can give feedback. I'd also really like to know if anything similar goes on in your home. I'd really like to know if this is normal or not, and if this does have a lot to do with me.... If it does, I want to fix it, if not than who is at blame and can I help?? I do wonder if this is my entire fault. My dad was mad at me because I ignored him and then he confronted me about it and I had the indecency to yell at my dad like that. I wonder if I deserved to get slapped like that. I was just trying to be heard. I do not feel validated nor respected as a human being. Yet, am I just being dramatic. Or should I feel this way.... I am confessed. Yet I will try my best to stay strong for my mom and for the rest of the family.

Sincerely,

Shelly

P.S- the pictures are of my lip at 10pm. It doesn't show how bad it was right after I was slapped since it doesnt show it being swollen like it was till about 5pm